January is often the time of year when many people’s attention turns towards setting goals and intentions for the year ahead. Often these will relate to career or health and fitness but have you ever considered intentionally thinking about your relationships as part of your January reset? Strong relationships take dedicated work. Any day of the year is a good time to review how they are doing but why not direct some of that new year, new start energy towards your relationship? With relationships being one of the most important factors in overall wellbeing, the impact will last much longer than the shine on those new gym trainers, I promise!
All relationships benefit from reflection and review but the focus of this particular article is on romantic relationships. In the same way as you might do an end of year review, it can be helpful to spend some time thinking about what is going well in your partnership as well as some of the areas which are challenging and where you’d like to see improvements. This will arm you with the information you need to make positive changes to focus on in the coming months.
First of all, have a think about what will work best for you and your partner? How do you best communicate and when might be a good time to have a look at the prompts below? Would you like to spend some time reflecting on them by yourselves and then come together to have a chat about how you are both feeling or would you prefer to use them as stepping off points for a discussion right away?
I’m guessing that if you’re curious enough to read this blog then this relationship really matters to you. Doing a relationship MOT can provide a space to resolve minor problems before they escalate, help you to reconnect after a period of emotional distance/disconnection, allow you to express what you need/want and find a shared path forwards. Thinking about where and when you choose to have this conversation can help to ensure a positive outcome. Picking a time when you are both feeling calm and relaxed, with no distractions will make communication much easier. Can you choose a place that feels safe, private and comfortable?
Here are some areas for you to reflect on:
What’s going well in your relationship?
+ What are you enjoying about this particular relationship right now? Can you tell your partner some of the things about them that you are most grateful for?
+ What have been your highlights together over the last 12 months? It’s very easy to focus on the things that we are unhappy about but noting what’s going well will remind you both of the strengths in the relationship and hearing what they love about you will give you a lovely boost of feel good Oxytocin (the love hormone).
Emotional intimacy
+ How close do you feel to each other? Do you make time to talk about how you are feeling? If not, what are the barriers to having these conversations and what might help you both to feel safer to open up a bit more?
+ What would you like them to know about how you’re doing with your mental health right now?
Sexual/physical intimacy
+ How are you both feeling about your physical relationship? As well as thinking about sex, this can include physical affection such as everyday touch, hugs and kisses.
+ What do you both need and want and are there any changes you’d like to make?
Time together
+ How well do you prioritise this relationship over other parts of your life? Relationships, like plants, needs frequent care and attention.
+ What do you enjoy doing when you spend time alone together? Do you make time for date nights and, if not, are there obstacles in your way that you can remove, such as arranging childcare or making time in your diary to catch up and do something fun? Maybe you’d like to learn a new skill together, try out a different hobby, go for a day out or explore a new place?
+ What memories would you like to make together this year?
Outside pressures
+ As well as making the relationship a priority, it’s important to consider your relationship in the context of the rest of your life. What are the current challenges you are facing individually and together and how can you minimise the impact they have on you as a couple? Thinking about work, parenting, finances and family commitments can be useful here.
+ How can you work together to protect the relationship, so that it is resilient enough to withstand these challenges?
Life goals
+ What’s important to you both in the coming years? Thinking ahead to what you’d like to see for yourselves in one, five and ten year’s time can be a useful way to check where your hopes and goals are aligned and make any adjustments and compromises to ensure you are happy as individuals as well as in the relationship.
+ Are there any shared projects you have in mind and how might these fit in with your individual ambitions and dreams?
+ Thinking about your personal values and being really honest about your non-negotiables here will be helpful in preventing disappointment later on.
What would make your relationship even better?
+ Are there areas you’d like to focus on together in the coming months?
+ Are there any small or big changes you can make right now which will help you to feel closer?
+ Do you have any unmet needs that need addressing, both within the relationship and perhaps for you as an individual? How can you begin to meet them?
Working on relationships takes time and effort and it’s not always easy. Depending on our past experiences it can sometimes bring up unexpected and difficult feelings. Many times offering each other kindness, compassion and the space to talk and be heard will be enough to navigate past this. But it’s okay to ask for help too. A relationship or couples’ therapist can offer a neutral space to help you figure out what might be going on both individually and in your interactions together that’s perhaps keeping you stuck and unable to resolve conflict or move forwards.
I hope 2025 brings you relationships that are healthy, happy and fulfilling.